A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
