Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
