If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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