I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
