Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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