I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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