dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
