Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
