I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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