I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
