My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
