I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
