I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
