I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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