just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
