You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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