I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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