Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
