I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
