weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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