i was rollin on her like bob the builder
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize