I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
