I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's blow job season.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
