you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
