I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
