I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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