I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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