I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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