Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just cut my nipple shaving
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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