I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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