I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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