you win again, gameday.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
