she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
