How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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