I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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