your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
