Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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