Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
