so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
