i wish my penis had a tongue
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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