i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
