I cannot find my penis.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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