someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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