Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
