Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
