Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
