Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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