you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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