In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
