So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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