Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
