tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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