youre lurking in front of me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
