I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
