I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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