I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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