shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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