i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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