fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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