um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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