my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
