No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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