I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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