I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
