After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Who died my cat blue again?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
