my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
